This may be the most misleading question on the planet. If you are a woman and you’ve found that these words have crossed your lips from the realm of reasonableness into the world of “Did I say that out loud” insanity, then you seek an answer to one of two real underlying questions. If you’re a man and are required to answer, you must know from which origination the question is asked. Difficult dilemma, and may God help you.

Does this make my butt look big?

If you’re rockin’ a “J-Lo” and planning which $15,000 evening gown to wear down the red carpet, then the question comes from a place of vanity. You HOPE that the hours you’ve spent at the gym with your expert trainer John have paid off. Your gluteus maximus (which is your butt) supremely sits atop your gams. But women blessed with firm, plump glutes have a whole host of issues that plague them: jeans that fit the butt but swallow the waist, dresses that constrict the hips like a vacuum packed steak trying to bust out of its shrink wrap prison, and miniskirts that whisper ‘booty call’ no matter how many times you tug on the hem. Men, be cognizant of your answer in this dilemma. You must dig deep into the situation before you answer. Pretend you are analyzing a car part after you’ve reassembled the engine ~ it’s very important that you know exactly where you went wrong, and how in God’s name you are going to fix this.

If, on the other hand, you are like me and think that every color under the rainbow, except for black (my signature color), makes your hindquarters look like a sagging side of beef, then you’ve asked ‘does this make my butt look big’ to elicit heaping compliments that will boost your self-esteem to heights of extraordinary proportion. The problems that afflict women who do not rise to the “These Hips Don’t Lie” status of Shakira are long-standing in history. First, we are celebrated for our hip stature in the 19th century as goddesses and royalty, then we must submit to measurements made impossibly popular by stick figure Twiggy in the 20th century. Now, we are forced to conform to booty standards set by the fashion industry that are sending mixed signals: Am I trying to emulate Fergalicious or kick butt Rhonda Rousey? Men, do not veer left, nor swing to the right and try to be cutsie or creative. The answer to the complex origination of this question is simply “NO.” Test passed.

Whether you are a man or woman, the stupidest question on the planet will find its way into your conversation at some point in your life. I have made a personal life-altering decision and decided that I will never utter the words “Does this make my butt look big,” again. The day will come when they stuff my love handles, back fat, and bodacious booty into a box. For those who were kind enough to lie to me throughout the years, I thank you and wish you long lives and happiness. For all others, you may kiss my posthumous posterior.


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