The midnight drum solo filled my head with visions of homicide. Do you have a neighbor that is less than neighborly? Or, perish the thought, are you that neighbor? While sturdy fences … and all that jazz, a modicum of consideration may gain you a friend for life. Check to see if you appear on our list of offenses that are deemed un-neighborly:
- Motley Crue – It’s a well-documented fact. Sustained noise at high decibels is in direct proportion to levels of beer consumption required to drown out ear splitting music. Keep in mind that a chain saw gobbles up 100 decibels, and a jackhammer pounds away 130, but rocking its way up to number one on the decibel hits chart is a mind-numbing heavy-metal rock concert at 150. So, while leisurely head-banging your Saturday away to “Theater of Pain,” strap on your noise-cancelling Beats (the irony here slays me).
- Yappy Hour – Dog lovers are blissfully ignorant of the stress Fifi can incite in neighbors. Imagine your first night home after a disastrous four-hour return flight from the in-laws. You’re aflutter with the anticipation of a quiet dinner with your beloved for much needed one-on-one time and plans of early to bed, early to rise. Now imagine your horror when your neighbor’s dog begins barking at the gate rattle, the flapping flag on a pole, a shadow, the moon. Your blood-pressure rises, and you’re highly agitated at the loss of appetites, both nutritional and nocturnal. If you own a dog, as I do, train that puppy to use his inside/outside voice – meaning when you’re inside, you shouldn’t hear his voice from outside.
- Sanford & Son – This affliction, in addition to those outlined above, is not unique to homeowners, but also affects apartment dwellers, condo controllers, mobile home habitants and squatters. If you have junk, and who doesn’t, don’t shmear it across your publically viewable property like it’s the Crown Jewels of the United Kingdom. Incidentally, the Crown Jewels have been on display for 356 years and are viewed annually by approximately 2 million people; similar to your crap. Clean it up.
- Kim Bassinger – Have you ever been airing your laundry on the clothesline humming the soundtrack to The Sound of Music while your neighbors are airing their dirty laundry for all to hear? It’s a real peace killer. This type of un-neighborly infringement may drone on for hours. Kim Bassinger was hired in multiple films for her uncanny abilities as a scream artist, later dubbed the Scream Queen. Don’t be a Kim Bassinger. For further clarification and documentation in great detail, visit Instagram’s Neighbors From Hell and read hilarious text wars on the subject.When your neighbors are at it again, quietly creep over to their mailbox and deliver a personalized application to the next slasher-flick screen test. Other neighbors may throw you a block party. But don’t forget your Pandora’s mix of Motley Crue.
Read last week’s Freelance Friday Write Your Own Way by Ian Townsend
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