If you’re like me (heaven help you), then I’m certain you woke up this morning, stumbled to the Keurig for your daily cup of Joe, and wondered if the bulls were running in Pamplona, Spain today. If you did, then you may need to know the Top 8 Rules. While successfully keeping my coffee from spilling and rusting out the keys of my laptop, I found the rules to run with the bullocks.
Please take THE TOP 8 RULES serious, as this is not a drill.
El Encierro, the Running of the Bulls, is a festival that celebrates moving cattle through the streets in San Fermin, Calle Santo Domingo, Pamplona, Spain and lasts from July 7th through the 14th this year. If you are adventurous, agile, and Johnny Depp-kind-of-crazy, print off the below forbidden activities before jetting away to your demise.
- No one under the age of 18 may run or participate – This makes zero sense to me. The only persons not allowed to play in this game of bovine chase are the only humans on the planet who may actually have the skillset to do so. How many times have you seen your 40-year old neighbor try to chase his golden retriever down the street? It ain’t a pretty sight.
- Do not leave shop doors open along the bull path – Now I’m uncertain who would not know to follow this rule. Apparently, the bulls in Pamplona have a shopping affinity. Maybe they’re just browsers, but for goodness sakes, close the door. You’d hate to explain why there’s a bull in your china closet.
- Drunk and under the influence is disallowed – I ask “Why not let drunks trample down the shiny brick streets of Pamplona with 2,200 lbs. of sexually frustrated T-bone chasing them?” These may actually be the only individuals who do not care whether they make it to the finish line. Unfortunately, residents from Boulder, Colorado may be required to undergo a bong test during race registration.
- You must wear appropriate shoes or clothing – I’m unclear if one or the other is optional. If so, may I recommend an appropriate, but very stylish track suit from Nordstrom’s? The breathability of one of these gems is worth the risk one would gladly exchange for a worthless pair of flip flops.
- You may not incite the bulls – This must be an honest to goodness “duh” moment for those lined up at the start line. I can hear the contestant’s chatter now, “You mean I can’t scream nanny-nanny-boo-boo at the bull blowing snot in my man-bun?” Those of you surprised at this one should roll back over and sleep off last night’s margarita.
- No photography without express permission while running – Eternal hope springs. This one is mystifyingly simple. If you show up adorned in your smart white pants and shirt secured with a blood red sash, you can whip out your matching selfie stick and snap a few Instagram shots with your favorite testosterone raging Holstein. But you must have a permission slip. Say Cheese!
- Running backwards toward the bulls – Rule 7 is synonymous with Rule 3. If you decide to play a game of head-on chicken with an animal the size of a church bus, then you are likely guilty of breaking Rule 3. COME ON! Humans are creatures of free will, but I promise that animal instincts will kick in. You will not run backwards toward the bulls.
- Holding or stopping the bulls – I am most curious about why this rule even exists. Did someone actually do this? How does one stop a bull anyway? I suppose if you bring that cute cow from the very popular milk carton with you, he may slow down to do a double-take. But honestly, who’s got the cojones to stop one of these bad boys? Study your animal husbandry and you’ll find that bulls have a mature set of their own cojones. They didn’t leave them at home. Otherwise the festival would celebrate the Running of the Steer, and I believe that event is known as Nascar, where all 8 rules of Running With the Bulls are allowed if not encouraged.
If you are interested in the full set of rules for this crazy festival, check out this Useful Information about the bull run, and that’s no bullocks!
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