‘Tis the season of Monday Night Fantasy Football. In corporate offices, teacher’s lounges, and dark corners of the internet around the globe, football fans are studying stats, injuries, and bench talent across the National Football League in the US. Teams are formed, players picked, and bets placed for a fantasy football team that will actually never play together. What asinine time waster could possibly top this brain cell killer? I would like to throw my hat in the ring, but I opt for Fantasy Football Food picks instead. At least at the end of the season when I lose with my lineup, I will have been well-fed and ready for the January 1st New Year’s Resolution Lie, which is as realistic as any Fantasy Football team I may pick this NFL season.
Since I pick first, I want the following in my heavy weight huddle:
NACHOS Every starting lineup needs a quarterback. Not just any crappy canned cheese will get the job done this year. Timed trials this year name Velveeta as the favored player with staying power. A brick of this congealed cheese-like food can last all four quarters and into overtime if necessary. Velveeta’s smooth approach to coverage has his teammates feeling confident that he will master the job week after week all the way to the Superbowl.
HOT WINGS When things start to drag in the second quarter, hot wings heat up the game. These spicy little chicken parts are the sneaky tight ends to every tailgate table. If an open receiver (like a gizzard) gets caught up in a gravy, Hot Wings are always hanging around waiting to carry the team into the red zone. Stats this year will prove that spicy hot wings will keep the team running to the bathroom for hours on end.
SLAW DOGS There’s not a little smoky on the planet that can get past a down-and-dirty lineup of all-beef Nathan hot dogs slathered with homemade slaw marinated overnight in mayonnaise. Joey Chestnut, the 2016 world champion mystery meat scarfer of 70 hot dogs, said it best, “…hot dog eating challenges both my body and my mind.” What better endorsement can you get than this?
CHILI This crockpot protein packed Holy Grail is the central staple to my team. Add a little cayenne pepper to this position and you get a bowl full of touchdowns every game. If you’re not crying by the end of the fourth quarter, you’ve underutilized the jalapenos that sculpt this teammate into a game changer. Now is not the time to skimp. Show your fellow couch potatoes who the real man in the room is.
ICE CREAM BROWNIE When looking for the extra point or the coveted two-point conversion, look no further than chocolate brownies topped with ice cream. Since Blue Bell has been on the injury list for the majority of the last 12 months, I’m going with Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. Dunkin Hines brownie mix just can’t be beat here for economy and efficiency. Coupled with the creamy B&J, your dream team has arrived. Naps will be necessary.
Kick off the season (and every game) with the below recipe of the famous Rotel Velveeta Queso.
10 oz. can of Rotel Tomatoes
16 oz. block of Velveeta (cubed)
1 lb. cooked pork sausage (drained)
Combine undrained tomatoes, cubed Velveeta and sausage in a crockpot on low for an hour. Stir occasionally until melted through, and you get a Pavlov response every time you lift the lid. Serve over everything.
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