For parents around the globe, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. The scurrying sounds of pitter patter from your little rug rats racing out the door can only be identified as the long awaited rite of passage. Social skills are honed, economics taught, and problem solving practiced.

Yes, it’s time to buy school supplies.

To assist parents in carefully selecting proper tools for the expansion of your little darling’s mind, I’ve outlined how each school tool will be used and abused.


Elmer’s School Paste – Craft hour can be very taxing on little ones and significant hunger may set in. Paste is usually served every afternoon around 2:00 p.m. Paste contains minimal calories and provides a handy stick (similar to a popsicle) that serves as this snack’s built-in utensil. Be wary though. Paste is considered a gateway drug for experimental psychedelics in middle school.

Kleenex – 2 boxes are required.  Your child will be allowed the use of 2 tissues per day during allergy season.  The remaining unused Kleenex will be hoarded in the teacher’s lounge for colds contracted from the little Petrie dishes, further known as students.

Loose Leaf Paper – Your child is required to provide 2 reams of paper at the beginning of the year. The first ream will be utilized during math and history lessons. Ream two will be wasted on love notes, paper airplanes, and spit balls launched at each other and the substitute teacher in December when your child’s permanent teacher takes the month off due to a mysterious stress-related illness.

Compass – This is not a tool used to find one’s way through the forest. It is an archaic GPS tool children are taught to use in case Mother Google and the World Wide Web crash in an intergalactic takeover.

image1 (14)No. 2 Pencil – Proceeds from each pack of pencils purchased helps a less fortunate Walrus from another country. Pencils are used as drum corps practice aids by students enrolled in band, as well as by gifted air drummers during second hour after the bootleg energy drinks begin to kick in.

Backpack – These mobile zip closets may contain up to 2 additional outfits. One unseemly costume will be changed into directly upon arrival at school. Most parents purchase extra roomy packs so that girls may also stow away inappropriate makeup and skull jewelry. Backpacks are especially helpful in disguising dad’s collection of vodka when stored in used contact solution bottles and hidden inside gym shoes.

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Laptop – Portable porn hubs are typically used during English Lit. Wi-Fi provides a more reliable connection to cites that may later be shared through Instagram and on FB Instant Messenger. Not to worry though, students have already been groomed in techniques to circumvent the school’s protective fire walls. Your in-crowd clique-seeking young adult won’t be left out and deemed a “Nad.”

Hot Plate – It is a good idea to purchase extras of this school tool. The first hot plate will die a slow suffocating death under melted wax. Plate 2 will be burned beyond recognition after warming “morning after” pizza for members of the football team.  This is in direct correlation to the active social life your angel keeps while tucked away in her germ infested dorm room, occasionally used for sleeping due to hangovers.

Gas Card – This school tool is a one-stop shop lesson in multitasking. No child earning a postsecondary education can learn without it. At least 1 out of every 10 times, this card will be used to fill a gas tank – not necessarily your child’s. All other purchases will include more important items procured from inside the gas store: red Solo cups, ping pong balls, poker cards, and mass amounts of beer.

No reasonable education can be achieved without the necessary tools. You’ve spent tons of money securing your child’s place in a fine institution that gives them at least a 2% chance of succeeding on this dog-eat-dog planet. So, please – don’t muck this up by sending them into the wild world of learning unprepared for the battles that lay ahead. Every child deserves a fighting chance.

On the long shot that you don’t heed these easy to follow School Tool Rules, don’t fret. There is a shuttle leaving for Mars in about 18 years. Maybe your child can start over there.


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