In today’s technical world of Netflix and DVR, it’s a shocker that TV commercials are still a viable source of entertainment. However, commercial ratings have become a sport worth watching. Just think Superbowl here. I will admit it was a huge surprise to discover
that I gleaned a lesson or two from them. Following are the most important 7 lessons I learned from commercials.
- Just two shakes a day and one sensible meal will cause weight to melt away like hot butter. At first, this seemed like a pipe dream conjured up by an advertising room full of Mad Men. But then upon closer inspection, I realized that most shakes designed for weight loss only contain a couple hundred calories. Why is this news to the dieting public? Of course I’m going to lose weight if I’m only consuming a few liquid calories before I sit down to eat a real meal. I’ll be lucky if I have enough end-of-the-day energy to lift a fork to my mouth after the sensible microwave produces my sensible frozen entrée.
- Car insurance is risky business. Once you get past the glaring irony of that statement, I would like to point you toward the mega messages that muddy up the car insurance selection process: a) Go to the General to save some time, b) Nationwide is on your side, c) I can save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico, d) Liberty Mutual claims that I don’t have the wrong insurance plan, just the wrong insurance company, and e) Jake from State Farm wears khakis. The choices offered in commercials laud vague incentives, no usable insurance knowledge, and make my head spin around like I need an afternoon exorcism. Does anyone offer insurance for that?
- Picking stocks is so easy that a baby can do it. When E*Trade came out with their baby campaign, the knowledge that a baby can place its own trades was cause for pause. What message are they trying to send? Is it really true a human who requires constant attention, needs a diaper change, and can’t articulate the difference between coffee creamer and breast milk has the fortitude to amass a portfolio of allocated stocks? I guess that doesn’t really matter when measured against the proposition of forking over just a couple of bucks to buy a penny stock or junk bond.
- I can buy acne treatment from a vending machine. If you’ve walked through an airport or shopping mall in the last ten years, you may have noticed vending machines that sell Proactiv face products. I don’t know about you, but I definitely have acne treatment on the mind as I’m boarding my flight to the Big Apple. The absurdity of it all makes my face break out just thinking about it.
- Lights can be extinguished by clapping your hands. Who needs to get out of bed at night to turn the lights off when you can easily clap your hands? I live in a nation where physical activity levels have declined at downhill ski speed due to the proposition of video games instead of playing outside, skate boards that hover, and cars that parallel park without human assistance. So why not have an electrical system that responds to a golf clap?
- Bowflex will turn you into a bikini model. Who hasn’t watched this commercial and thought “Wow. Where am I going to put that machine when I buy it?” Let’s face it. A monthly payment plunked down for this monstrosity could be better used for say, a Jack LaLanne Power Juicer. At least I could impress my friends with freshly made orange juice for our Tequila Sunrises on the patio.
- Maxi pads now have enough absorbency to serve as a dike for the Mississippi River. What female isn’t concerned about whether or not her maxi pad can hold more than a shot glass of liquid? If you really want to Shamwow your friends, be sure to bust out your balance beam routine wearing the newest permeable space age brake pad. You’re sure to impress and will feel fresh when you nail that 10-point dismount.
Read yesterday’s Manic Monday Idioms and Colloquialisms From My Grandpa
Tune in tomorrow for Workout Wednesday 5 Reasons Your Workout Isn’t Working
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