The backs of my hands drag the ground as I schlepp my way to work. Somehow I must muster enough energy to plow through the mail, client phone calls, and the fires guaranteed to suck the life right out of me. All this is dependent upon my ability to crawl through the front door. I make my way to the coffee machine, albeit at the pace of “snail,” and make that first glorious cup of Joe. But something is missing. The effects are slow to kick in, and the productivity from my 20’s fails to make an appearance – again. How does one grind through every day without enough energy to power up the blood? Is an energy drink the Holy Grail I’ve been searching for? Not being the kind of numskull that pours just anything down my gullet, I researched my Caf-Pow options. Abbey Sciuto fans know what I’m talking about.
The average energy drink weighs in at approximately 80 mg. of caffeine, and a ton of sugar. But the top 6 drinks listed below deliver a different kind of BAM. Be wary – the Rush is coming!
- 5-Hour Energy Shots As the name implies, sucking down one of these little 4 oz. shots will pack a 5-hour punch from 245 mg. of caffeine. I was delighted to learn that if I chose to carry one with me for a fast pick-me-up, it hides nicely behind my cellphone in the designated pocket of my purse. I can slam it back on my way to the gym (or you can slam it since I don’t actually work out), or on the way to pick up the little Harry Potters at the day care. If I can steal 5 hours of energy from one drink, that is true wizardry at its finest.
- Celsius Sugar Free Energy Drink Claims from the company include “Run a Mile Without Running.” Should I be scared? If you already walk that fine line of psycho-paranoia, this beverage might not be for you. If you are hallucinating along at 200 mg. of caffeine per hour and get pulled over by the ambulance that’s going to carry you and your cardiac arrest to the nearest heart hospital, it behooves you not to mention that you thought you were running. However, you can delight in the fact that you drink the same mind-altering beverage that Flo Rida drinks every day before bench pressing his usual 17,000 lbs.
- Zipfizz This one is packed with vitamins and is touted as a healthy 4 oz. of 120 mg. of caffeine. It is definitely simplicity at its finest. The powder comes in a handy little pouch that can be added to water for an afternoon jolt. I’m particularly interested in the Grape flavor. I’m thinking if I make a peanut butter sandwich, I could have my own PB&J jam session. I do march to the beat of my own drum – I just need a saxophone now.
- Red Bull Energy Drink The Bull weighs in at 111 mg. of caffeine, and is commonly mixed on Friday night with alcohol to create a “4 Locos.” If interpreted correctly, I believe the “4” refers to the number of crazy personalities that come to light after you’ve imbibed a couple of these doosies. You shouldn’t be surprised when these maniacal personalities invite themselves to the party. Studies show that drinking alcohol combined with an energy drink causes a deeper desire for more booze than a shot of Vodka produces by itself. Maybe that’s where the phrase synergy was born – Sin + Energy = Dumb and Dumber Hangover. I learned that theorem in Dr. Proof’s calculous class.
- Monster Lo-C This is the lo-carb, lo-sugar, no-cal version of a slice of energy heaven. Sometimes referred to as a “Blue Monster,” you can usually buy 2 cans of 105 mg. of caffeine for under $5. Your local 7-11 is a magnate for larger version of this can affectionately known by Monster junkies as the BFC. Use all your newfound energy to figure this one out.
- Surge Citrus Soda Surge was popular in the 90’s before Coca Cola decided to yank it from the shelves. But a new generation of energy drink junkies emerged, and voila – Surge made its new revamped resurgence on September 15, 2014. It’s a lighter dose of caffeine at 51 mg. But all you retro-heads out there shouldn’t be deterred by the new design. It’s the same yummy goodness it was when you were getting your Beastie Boys groove on in the 90’s.
After developing the addiction you are surely promised, you will likely suffer from side effects that come with frequent use. Here’s the short list of bad news.
- Cardiac Arrest
- Headaches and Migraines
- Type 2 Diabetes
- Drug Interactions
- Risky Behavior
- Allergic Reaction
- High Blood Pressure
- Stress Hormone Release
- Niacin (B3) Overdose
If this list doesn’t deter you from your next can (or packet) of Energy Drink, then please send video of your skydiving / skyboarding / grocery cart race / cow-tipping experiences to us. We love high entertainment at the expense of others.
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